Let me just start off by saying I have always been highly independent. From the time I was in elementary school I was walking myself home and cooking my own meals. Independence always come natural to me. Why? because I lack patience. I didn’t want to wait all day after school for my mother so that I could come home, therefore I walked home. If I was hungry I didn’t want to wait to eat, therefore I made my own meals. Anyways on to the gist of the story, I met “him” in July and things were great, I had never connected with a guy so quickly.
“Sometimes when you meet someone, there’s a click. I don’t believe in love at first sight but I believe in that click.” -Ann Aguirre
Our dates went on for hours and we had a fantastic summer. But, as the summer was winding down and we were officially a couple, he told me that he needed to tell me something. His hesitation gave it away, I knew things were going great so we weren’t breaking up and I immediately knew that the only possibility was that he was moving. About a month later our long distance relationship (LDR) started and before he even left I knew I loved him.
A couple of weeks into our LDR I told him I loved him. He asked why I didn’t tell him prior to him leaving. It was because I wanted to be sure that I really loved him and that I didn’t just love him because he was leaving. He didn’t say it back to me for a few months, but it was okay. I was confident in my feelings and I didn’t tell him that I loved him just to hear it back. Plus I was a strong independent woman!
Those were the good old days before I started to lose myself. Before I knew it my world started to revolve around him. I had to be sure that I was available for phone calls at all times (I carried my phone everywhere and never took my eyes off it) and anytime he asked for my help I dropped everything just to be there for him. Long story short I didn’t get the same in return. I didn’t realize how much of myself I was giving him until it slapped me in the face and I experienced heartbreak for the first time since I was a child (that’s a different story). I was constantly heart broken because I was constantly being let down. Then one day I was like why I am torturing myself because someone is not putting in as much as I’m putting in.
That was my wake up call I started working out, cleaning my room, and cooking for myself everyday. I remembered what made me happy. What made me happy is that I could look into the mirror and be perfectly at peace with the choices that I made throughout the day. From that moment on I pulled up my big girl panties and started focusing on making myself happy. How can someone love you if you don’t love yourself? I’m not going to lie, I’m not completely back to who I was before the relationship, but I getting back there one day at a time. I do know one thing for sure that when I get there I’m going to be better than ever.
This past year has shown me proof about how strong I really am and the one thing that I’m really grateful for is my long distance relationship (LDR). Without the distance, I wouldn’t have realized (as quickly at least) how dependent on someone I could become and how to get back to focusing on me. I don’t know for sure if our relationship will make it, but I know that I love that kid more than anything. At the end of the day, I know that things will work out the way that they are supposed to. I know that I will love myself more than ever, as a result of my first love, who truly is a great guy. Like my mother said he’s a keeper. But, I know that I am also. I know that I am what ultimately matters most to me. I came in this world by myself and I will leave it the same way. I better make myself damn proud!